Recently, we had a terrible experience with an individual while ordering a couple of sugar gliders pets. I may post the full details of the experience in a follow up post, but for now, I wanted to write this to give everybody an idea of what this situation felt like if the person had been a national brand instead of a sole proprietor (though to me, a business is a business and you don’t screw over your clients/customers as bad as this person did…EVER.)
(Names of companies and products have been slightly modified. Let me state that both non-modified companies are GREAT and are only being parodied due to how ridiculous all of this would be if a “real” business pulled these shenanigans.)
Let’s go the land of make believe where a business run by more than one person tries to pull this kind of crap and see what happens…(Notice: Make Believe means made up, phony, or in this case, satirical)
Me: (phoning Fake Amazon Customer Service)
Fake Amazon: Hello, Fake Amazon Customer Service. How may I help you?
Me: Yes, the cage I ordered a few days ago arrived today. While putting it together I noticed that the wheels were damaged and pieces of the cage are bent to a degree that make it impossible to put together properly.
Fake Amazon: Sir, the cage was shipped in the appropriate packing materials.
Me: Sure, but this is supposed to be a Nitter Cration cage. The box was a bit torn up on arrival, but…the box doesn’t even look right. It’s bright yellow and it looks as if somebody just wrote “Nitter Cration” on the side. The “r” is even backwards.
Fake Amazon: It must be overstock. I assure you that the box is correct and the product is exactly what was promised on the website.
Me: Are you sure? I have pictures. I don’t see a Nitter Cration logo anywhere on the box…
Fake Amazon: Sir, all of the appropriate information is on the website. You got what you paid for. Do you see picture of the box on the website? No. If you insist, we can send you the official shipping information for your particular unit to assure you that we sent you the appropriate cage. It will take 5-10 business days. Will that make you happy?
Me: I mean, that doesn’t change the fact that the cage itself is still damaged. I don’t need a whole cage. Can you just send me a couple of replacement parts? For how expensive it was, I didn’t even have to sign for it. It was just left on my door step.
Fake Amazon: Fake Amazon has no control over what happens to a product once it is shipped. You can file a complaint with UPS. You should contact Nitter Cration directly if you are looking for replacement parts.
Me: But I’ve already said this box has no markings and there is nothing identifying it as a Nitter Cration cage, though my online receipt blatantly states that it is one.
Fake Amazon: Sir, I’ve already stated that we can send you information on your unit within 5-10 business days. I’m afraid there is little else I can do. Please make sure to leave a positive review and let people know how your service was handled!
Fake Amazon: *click*
Me: (After 5 attempts to re-dial and receiving a busy signal, I give up).
As promised, on day 10, I received a letter in the mail with the supposed information on the unit.
Me: (calling Fake Amazon back…finally get through)
Fake Amazon: Hello, Fake Amazon Customer Service. How may I help you?
Me: Hi. I got information I requested on a cage I ordered a couple of weeks ago and I am having some issues with the legibility of the document.
Fake Amazon: I see in the notes that we sent out unit information on a Nitter Cration cage. Do you have further questions?
Me: It’s written in crayon.
Fake Amazon: That is not entirely accurate sir. As you can see, the signature at the bottom of the page was clearly done with a ball point pen.
Me: But..the rest of the document is written in crayon.
Fake Amazon: Is your issue with the color? Burnt Umber seems to please most interested parties, according to analytic information.
Me: You said you were sending me an official document to assure me that this was indeed a Nitter Cration cage so that I could contact the company about replacing my product!
Fake Amazon: Sir, I can assure you that everything on that document is 100% accurate…
Me: But there is nothing official about it! I can’t use this to get answers or parts replaced! I couldn’t use this to get a B on a Third Grade spelling assignment! It’s just crayon! Everywhere!
Fake Amazon: Sir, please, the ballpoint pen at the bottom…
Me: You need to send me something official that clearly dictates both yourself and the selling party were a part of the transaction before I was or I am going to have to contact them directly for further information. This is getting ridiculous.
Fake Amazon: Well, sir, we have provided what you asked for and I’m uncertain why you are not satisfied. Perhaps we can re-send the document in 5-10 business days copied in Number 2 Pencil instead?
After much time on hold, I am finally able to contact a representative from Nitter Cration. After explaining the situation and providing them pictures of the official receipt from my account and the unit information they sent, I am assured that they had no idea the product was being sold in such a manner. Hours later, I am contacted by a Nitter Cration Representative, who informs me that Fake Amazon has a representative on the same line, and asks me to repeat the story. Fake Amazon refuses to comment after I am done. Days later, I find out that Nitter Cration and Amazon are no longer doing business with each other, though the split was purportedly “amicable”.
I received one final piece of mail from Amazon. It is important to note that the letter arrived on a crisp piece of 8.5 x 11 paper with a letter head and neat, legible Times New Roman font making up the content of the letter.
Dear Shitty McShitface Shitterson,
We are unsure why you felt the need to contact Nitter Cration about problems with your unit. We would have happily replaced any defective parts, up to and including the entire cage, so long as proper proof had been provided. We have a history of doing that very thing and don’t understand why you continually hassled both our customer service and representatives from Nitter Cration until they were strong armed into forcing a peaceful severance of our sales agreement. That partnership was important to us and you spoiled everything!
Of course, other people will just sell the same product on our site, but the slight discount cuts into our profits and we are trying to make drones a thing. We hope you are happy that you have taken part in possibly setting the future of human technological evolution and fast, efficient shipping back by a decade because you wanted to be a whiner baby over some bent metal.
Fake Amazon Representative
So there you go. That shit would NEVER, EVER fly in a real business. For the record, I DID recently have an issue with a cage I ordered through REAL Amazon. Here is, more or less, how that conversation looked…
Me: I ordered a cage from you a few days ago and while putting it together, we noticed a couple of broken wheels and some bent cage pieces. We can’t really use it as is.
Amazon: I’m so sorry, sir. We will have a replacement shipped to you using our fastest method of delivery. Anything else I can help you with?
Moral of the story? The customer is NOT always right, but do not shit all over them when they are. Respect that your customers are not all idiots and some of them are willing to go the extra mile to find out the truth regarding things they spent their hard earned money on. If that truth bites you in the ass because you are a liar who forges documentation and ends up losing a business relationship over it, it was probably NOT the customers fault.
I will update at some point with the true inspiration for this story and the lady who turned shitty customer service and mistreatment of animals into what she claims is a personal attack. Just give me some time to get everything organized into a coherent story, and I promise I’ll post it for all to read.
In 5-10 business days.